Torah provides insights into a successful marriage

As a congregational rabbi, I regularly attend all types of gatherings, from synagogue and community meetings, to circumcisions, bar and bat mitzvahs and of course funerals. I find richness and meaning in all Jewish lifecycle events. However, my favorite is an observant Jewish wedding. The customs, laws and rituals are fortified with 4,000 years of Jewish history! In a future column, I hope to provide a step-bystep review of Jewish wedding procedures to enhance the understanding of its practices. In this article, I would like to focus on the chuppah.

The chuppah is the big canopy that is opened on all four sides and positioned under an open roof, a skylight, or even outdoors. What is a chuppah? Why do the bride and groom become eternal soul mates under the chuppah? From where do we learn the practice of getting married under a chuppah? Is there a Biblical precedent to this ritual? What is it all about?

The chuppah represents the residence of the groom. The bride is escorted into their symbolic home and through the presenting of a ring from groom to bride in the presence of Torah prescribed legal witnesses they become husband and wife. But why a chuppah? Why is a chuppah not in the shape of a clubhouse, a dugout or a sukkah? The answer is in the beginning of our Torah portion this week—Parshat Vayerah.

In Genesis 18:1 the verse reads, “And G-d appeared to Abraham in the plains of Mamre, and he was sitting at the entrance of the tent in the heat of the day.” The Talmud informs us that this was the third day since Abraham was circumcised at the age of 99. Since the surgery, Abraham and Sarah were not able to entertain guests and provide sustenance and insight to others, as they were accustomed to. Therefore, Abraham positioned himself at the opening of the tent so potential guests would see him, and he and Sarah could invite them in. It is impressive and noteworthy that despite his weakened state of health amidst recovery, Abraham and Sarah were still longing to perform kindness and share their warmth, goodness and messages of truth with others.

It is this tent of Abraham and Sarah that we replicate by positioning the bride and groom under the chuppah. By doing so, we demonstrate our collective hope and desire that the young couple will build a Jewish home in the spirit of Abraham and Sarah. The home of Abraham and Sarah was a home of chessed, loving kindness, a home of spirit and a home of shalom bayit, of peace.

The Talmud teaches us that while G-d created a myriad of blessings in this world; the best receptacle for the blessings is shalom/peace. A family might be blessed with good health and great wealth, but without shalom bayit, peace in the home, the blessings are not felt or appreciated. “Shalom,” peace, makes “shalem,” completeness.

What prevents Shalom Bayit, domestic tranquility? It is all in the “me.” When there is concern for the “me,” and not for the “we,” the shalom is fractured. When a couple marries, the “me” should melt into the “we.” According to Rabbi Noach Orlowek, the modern definition of love is, “If it is important to you, it is important to me.”

There was a saintly sage who lived in Jerusalem generations ago named Rabbi Aryeh Levine zt”l. It is reputed that once when his wife was ailing, Rabbi Levine escorted her to the doctor. When the doctor approached and stated, “What seems to be the problem?” Rabbi Levine stated, “Our leg hurts.” There was no me, only we.

A Jewish wedding and marriage is steeped in the traditions of Abraham and Sarah. It all starts with the chuppah, where they are bestowed with the Sheva Berachot, seven blessings. Then it is up to the couple to establish a home of kindness, spirit and harmony where the “we” trumps the “me.”

Shabbat Shalom! 